Monkey?

I Guess This is Goodbye

Sixteen years! That’s how long I’ve been going to school. Truth be told, of all my years of studying, I’ve never been this lonely. Perhaps this is what it’s like to be an outcast, outside of the circle. Maybe it’s just that time where my friends start to pull apart from me and prepare to go their separate ways, that’s putting a wedge between us. Somehow I get kinda sad when people talk about their upcoming post-graduation plans, cause it just means that we might not see each other anymore. So yea, we can keep in touch on Facebook and all, but deep down we all know that things pretty much won’t be the same anymore. 

When you say to me, “I know how you’re feeling”, do you truly feel as I feel? When you say, “It’s normal, everything will be alright”, how can you be sure?

Is it normal that I feel like crying all the time?
Is it normal that I feel like running away and never coming back?
Is it normal that I secretly wish I wouldn’t wake up one morning?

Everything happens for a reason. That’s what everyone keeps saying. But what is the reason for me to be in such physical, mental and emotional pain. Cause to me it just seems like a punishment. When you need me, I’ve never left your side; but when I need you, you’re nowhere to be found. How’s that for comforting?

One of the three things is going to happen to me in the future:

1. I’m going to lose my mind and go crazy in the most literal kinda sense

2. I’m going to go to jail for a white collared crime

3. I’m going to die sad and alone

Okay, moving on I’m on the verge of my breaking point, I can sense it already. Something is really wrong with me, I know what’s the problem, and the more I try to fix it the worse it gets. Literally on an emotional roller coaster, feeling high one moment, and down in the dumps the next. Despite my cheery outlook my life is pretty much an entangled mess and I can’t figure out how to straighten it all back out. Sounds like a riddle, but no, it’s just simply a phase in my life that I question everything. 

My personal goals have changed. All I want is to be happy now. Just happy. That’s not too much to ask is it? But why does it just seem so impossible. I’m desperately looking for a reset button for my life. I want to erase everything and start fresh. And something is telling me now is that chance, that opportunity I’m craving for. I’m 11 weeks away from being a graduate, and I’m so tempted to leave everything behind after and run off to somewhere else to start everything from scratch. This has been a recurring thought in my mind. I know I can do it, it’s a big risk nonetheless, giving up everything I’ve worked hard for, but it might be the necessary change that I am dying for. 

I’ve just came back from a Hong Kong-Shenzhen-Macau trip and I realize that my life now is meaningless. Only a few threads are holding me back from breaking free. Who would choose to be sad when you can have happiness? And yet I know I should be happy with everything that I have now, but I’m still sad deep down. I’m so sick of crying. Yes I cry, cause I’m just so emotionally distraught. I feel like I’ve become this fake person who plasters on a smile to show everyone that I’m fine and waltz around working round the clock like a humanoid robot. 

Three routes lie ahead of me, the first to stick to the plan, further my studies while working at a job I’m already good at, yes this is the Taylor’s route which so many people is wishing I’d do. The second, I’m tempted to move to another country, somewhere I have no friends, no family, no one; and start afresh. Maybe get a job, meet some new people and essentially reset my life. Tempting route this one, tempting. The third is one close to my heart. I’ve been cruel. I’ve been selfish. I’ve been cunning. I’ve been manipulative. But that’s not who I want to be. I want to do charity instead. I want to help people. This path I secretly want to do, but I might not have the courage to, I want to go away from the city, maybe to a third world country and do some good. Help people in need. 

At this point of time I’m utterly conflicted. There is no right or wrong path, only happy or sad path. 50% of me wants to stay cause I know I can do great things and achieve greatness but the other 50% of me really wants nothing more than to run away. My home no longer has a sense of belonging. The things that used to hold me back is no longer there. On the contrary, I would even be happier if I leave, there’s just too many things I want to forget and move on. 

The thing that scares me the most is regret. I don’t ever want to feel like that again because it makes me miserable. My water bill is going to be through the roof this month cause the only therapeutic method to make me feel better is sitting in the shower with the hot water running down my back for long periods of time. And yes, it sounds silly, but I’ve been doing this often, it really does make me feel better. No such thing as perfection, the more I strive towards it, the more I notice the cracks in my life. I think now is the time I need you the most, but where are you? 

Okay, first off I should probably say that this blog has been my faithful rant-companion for the past year or so and it’s just a really great outlet for expressing my feelings and thoughts. So yeah, maybe sometimes I’m feeling down, I enjoy typing out my feelings onto my blog. I find that easier to do then to open up and speak to someone. But that doesn’t mean I’m an unhappy child at all. On the contrary, I’m pretty much a happy person but at times I do feel that my life is a teeny bit messed up, but hey, who doesn’t have that occasional thought that their life could be better.

So anyhow, today was a little bit disheartening and upsetting to say the least. For the first time in a long while, I’m losing my professionalism. Why do I say that, because I’m allowing my feelings to get in the way of my work. I’m the kind of guy who values work, so no matter how upset I am, I still put on my cheery genuine looking smile and carry on with my work. But not today, I immediately lost all mood and absolutely outright refused to continue for the day.

Due to some chain of events, I realize a handful of things about myself today. Firstly, I’m super duper lucky to have gotten so much in life. Many of it is by chance, aplenty of opportunities which so happens to fall in my lap. Though I’d say I did work hard to reap in the benefits, and by no means was I handed everything on a silver platter.

Secondly, as cliched as it sounds, with great power comes great responsibility. Yea, I love my power and I love responsibility. But at times I might be biting of more than I can chew and I really value my reputation, so at times I make tones of sacrifices which at times I regret. It also makes me constantly question myself, is fit worth it?

Third, I’ve no idea why but I’m just somewhat rebellious. It’s like my inner instinct always tells me, if it’s not my idea or thoughts, it’s no good. I appreciate that there are so many concerned individuals around me who are willing to go the extra mile to help plan out my future, but my future is my own. I want to make decisions for myself, I want to make choices for myself. Some of that choices and decisions may not be right for me, but I’d very much rather be deciding for myself than following someone’s advise only to regret in the future. Not that I’m saying I would most certainly have resentment or be regretful, just knowing that there’s a possibility in feeling that way deters me from it.

Sometimes I do wonder if what I’m working so hard for now would eventually be worth it. I see my friends around me enjoying their holidays and yet I’m slaving away at work in which I do not see any immediate reward. Maybe it’s just a little disheartening or even envious, why should I be working so hard, when others are not? I sincerely hope it pays off or else I’d just be looking like a dumb dumb.

Today I felt alone again. I’m feeling so alone lately. Perhaps I’m so used to having a large team at my disposal to dutifully carry out my instructions with utmost gungho that now that I’m working alone, it’s almost like the energy and spirit is sucked out of me. I’m a natural leader and I work best when I have people to lead. Right now, I’m my own leader and my own follower, seriously wondering if I can finish all my jobs in time with quality.

I can see myself 5, even 10 years from now. What I can’t see is how to get there. I’m enthusiastic about what the future holds for me, and yet I’m hesitant to take any step forward as I’m so afraid I might not be on the right path. All I can do is pray right now, and please God, guide me, as I have my absolute faith in you.

This blog is depressing! Well hello March, time is passing really quickly, I’m occupying myself to the max lately. Packing myself with so much work that I don’t even know how much more I can take. I seem to like to torture myself a lot. In a way, being busy 24/7 is a personal therapeutic method of stopping myself from being nemo.  

I know it’s hard to understand why is it that when I have holidays I choose to work myself silly. Sometimes I consider myself a workaholic. I sort of enjoy what I’m doing. I most certainly love my power. And I’m enthusiastic to the extend of forgoing sleep or even meals. But most importantly, keeping myself busy means I won’t have stray thoughts enter my mind. 

Nevertheless, I’ve been thinking what’s important for me and what’s not. Personally I feel that there are parts of my life that’s sort of messed up, but when my friend expressed disbelief, I too came to realize, I’m so much more fortunate than many and I should really be more grateful and appreciative of what I have rather than feel that I’m being treated unfairly over a minute issue. 

I’m working hard to achieve my life goals. I’m easily a person who cannot lose what more fail. Being unsuccessful isn’t even an option for me. I strongly feel that if I work hard now, there’ll be a day that I’d reap the rewards. My only fear is that when I’ve achieved my dreams, I wouldn’t have anyone to share it with. Pretty silly right? 

I’m not a fan of relationships, maybe because I’m not good at them. First of I’m envious of how people can fall in love so easily, but I’m always so apprehensive. No matter how I try, I can’t bring myself to like someone without first getting to know them deeply. Second, I’m afraid I might be negligent. I value my work, my career, and at times that makes me neglect the people around me. And thirdly, I hate to admit this, but I’m afraid of commitment. That’s a big step for me. 

Living alone for the past two and a half years has brought in so many new prospective to mind. In the past, I’d relish at any chance of independence, but now it just seems lonely. Coming home each night to an empty house is at times a little depressing. Maybe that’s why I talk so much during the day, cause when I’m home, it’s just dead silence. I’m hungry for companionship, yet it’s always the thing that I want most I can’t have. 

Perhaps that’s enough rant to last for a month. In the mean time, I keep reminding myself in the words of SHM, “don’t you worry, don’t you worry child, see heaven’s got a plan for you” 

I really hate liars. I’m not talking bout those small lies or jokes but rather intentionally keeping and hiding stuff from me and covering them up with lies. Once a person lies to me, they’ll lose my trust, but also I’ll begin to doubt everything he/she said to me in the past. Please don’t lie to me, especially if you’re my friend cause I’ll inadvertently find out in the end.

I rarely utter the words FML. I’m a strong believer that life’s just a continuous challenge and difficulties along the way are tests meant to make you stronger and a better person. Somehow, I have a feeling I’m going to fail this test. My life is hanging by a thread while I watch it crumble away into oblivion. I can’t focus on my work. Rarely have mood for anything. Trying hard to avoid any social confrontation. And most of all, don’t really have much appetite. I’ve been through all these before, it’s not my first time, the only thing different is this time I’m not sure if I can pick up the pieces and make it through. I’m gonna take a break from tweeting, blogging or sharing anything because if I do it’ll either be: (a) a clear lie that I proclaim to the whole world I’m alright, or (b) a super duper emo-nemo post. For that reason alone, staying away from social media might be a good choice. Fingers crossed I’d recover.

Thankuku

This is gonna be short and simple. Thank you to my super awesome friends for reminding me that there’s nothing to be sad about when there’s so many people you love around you. I always have a great time with you peeps. Laughing and smiling when we’re together. Each trip out is always so memorable. Thank you for accepting me as I am, always caring and never judging.

Doing the right thing or doing something that makes me happy. How can I choose when they’re at polar opposites from each other? Maybe if I was just a bit more selfish it’ll make it all easier.
I’m just upset cause I think I’m living in a trap. Why is it that I make the same mistakes over and over when I’ve already felt the bitterness of lost? Aren’t you suppose to learn from your mistakes but why is it that I knowingly repeat them only to feel the stinging burn on the wound again. The hardest part perhaps is that I KNOWINGLY step into a mistake. Which fool would intentionally step into a bear trap? I’m that fool. I’m beginning to wonder if my life is just gonna be a repetitive mistake again and again.
You probably won’t understand any of this mumbo jumbo and you probably shouldn’t. I’m not typing this to seek for attention or sympathy or any form of response for that matter. All I need is an outlet for expression. My sanity is perhaps hanging by a thread right now. Doesn’t help that I’m typing this at 4 in the morning by a pitch black lake.
I promised myself that I’d be happy this year no matter what. And it’s always most painful to break a promise to yourself.

Anxiety

Yes, I’m ranting again, this time at 5 in the morning. If you’re seeing this on your dashboard, I highly recommend hitting the “unfollow” button, cause I’d probably keep on ranting for the next few weeks (much lesser I hope). So yeah, it’s 5am now so what am I doing typing this? Well I actually jolted awake cause so many thoughts were going through my mind. And I can say I woke up cause of anxiety.

I just wanna ask (in which I’m sure I won’t get any answers) am I a bad person? I’m a firm believer of do good and good things would happen to you but why does it seem like so many bad things is happening to me? Maybe I’m not that nice after all, though I try.

Life’s pretty down in the dumps for me right now. It’s like living without a purpose. My work hardly excites me, but I’ve no choice but to do it cause it’s the only thing keeping me sane right now. It’s come to a level that though I can have a break and perhaps what would be a well-deserved holiday, but I rather be occupying myself with busyness just so I don’t have to spend my time alone. Yeah, so perhaps I should admit that deep down inside I feel super lonely despite having many friends. I don’t know, but maybe it’s cause I’m so used to having friends leave me that I become automatically paranoid that some day you would too. So there’s just this sickeningly empty feeling inside of me that is just void of happiness. Well you would probably know that already considering the only “person” I can rant to is this blog.

Stoner

So it’s just the first week into the new year and I know I said I want a happy year, that I’ll smile no matter what happens, but lately I’ve just been feeling really down. Perhaps it’s from the perpetual over-thinking that I’m doing lately. As time passes, I worry more and more. Seems like I’m growing up way too fast. It was just like yesterday that I was a carefree sixteen year old, one of the happier times in my teenage years and gosh I’m approaching mid-twenties now?
What have I done with my life? I’ve quite a lot of free time lately. Too much perhaps until even sleeping bores you. And I’m a guy who doesn’t get much sleep in the past, so when I get bored of sleeping you can just imagine how much spare time I have. Plus I live alone, surrounded by quiet walls hence when I have so much time to myself I can’t help but ask myself questions to which there are no answers.
Why are you feeling like that? What are you doing? Why do you behave/think like that? What are your plans? All these are the frequent contemplation that goes on in my head. And when I can’t put my finger on the answer I just feel miserable. This is perhaps the life of a stoner, just a regular day of self-reflection, the most common thing I do when I’m lonely.

I really need to get myself occupied and productive, don’t I…..

Pray

Coming from a Christian family, I was essentially instilled with religion from a very young age. Growing up, I was a God-fearing person, but as I got older, I learnt to understand Him better and the things that He is doing for me. I used to think that when things didn’t go according to plan or that when something goes wrong, God is punishing me. 

Oh how wrong I was. God loves me. God loves you. God loves everyone of us. Everything He does, He does for a reason. I’ve come to realize that simply because I was born a planner. I plan meticulously. I like to know every detail. I like to think ahead. So whenever my plan fails, God is taking away from me what I think I want. But then without fail, every single time, He would give me something else, something better. 

Of course, at the moment, I wouldn’t know that it is better. But much later I would come to the realization that I’m ever so grateful for His guidance. Take for instance when I was eleven, I was starting high school and I applied to a school which most of my primary school friends are going, thinking nothing can bring us apart. Well guess what, it wasn’t in His plans for me to stick with my primary school friends. Instead He set out a course for me to go to a high school in which I didn’t know a single person there. Naturally, I felt very out of place, being alone and what not. Turns out it was the best thing that could happen for me, cause I met some of the most amazing friends in my life. Not that my primary school mates aren’t awesome, but I got to know even more cool people. 

Then the same thing sort of happened after my pre-u. It was in my books to study in Singapore. Well, I’ve always have a nerd side in me. But turns out I didn’t make it there after all. And the exact same thing happen where I enrolled into a Uni with nobody I know. Essentially, zero friends on day one all over again. And again, turns out to be one of the best things that could ever happen. I sort of found my true self, unleashed my potentials to say the least. Did things I never thought I could do and made a name for myself in which I could only pictured in my dreams previously. 

The main point is, God works in mysterious ways. Yeah, I’ve gotta admit, many a times my faith is faltered when my plans don’t come to be. But then when I truly open my eyes to see what He has done for me, I come to my senses and believe that He really does know what He’s doing. 

Coming from a science background, I know that there are many things that can’t be proven. Does it seem stupid to believe in something that can’t be proven exist? I think not. I’m not a particularly pious person. But there are miracles happening that cannot be explained, does that mean it doesn’t exist? There are things out there that does not need scientific evidence, graphs, charts and data to make them real. Though it might sound like fairy tale, but I truly believe that there is a God and that He is looking down on me; and by faith alone, that is all I need to know that He exists. 

It’s not superstition, it’s not blind following. It’s merely my own experiences. I’ve had my own share of ups and downs in my life. But what I believe in is how God protects me all the time. I’m not saying supernatural forces forming a force-field around me, protecting me from harm; but rather, how He never fail to teach me life-lessons that changes how I behave and make me a better person. 

These stuff can’t really be explained, and in no way am I preaching religion here. I believe that everyone has a choice in choosing what they want to believe in. Perhaps the only thing I can say is I have faith. It’s funny how most people would turn to God in prayer to ask for things. Maybe I’m one of them. But for me prayer has always been a personal conversation with God, not making wishes to a genie and hope they come true. The thing is, talking to God makes me calm, gives me strength and that helps for me. And in a way, I always feel that my instinct, that weird feeling in your heart, that’s God talking back to me. 

\o/